Big Apple highs and lows

I’m back from my little jaunt to New York City. The trip was not as easy as I hoped it would be, but there were definite pluses.

The biggest plus was spending time with one of my best friends. Steve and I have been friends for 30 years. Whenever we see each other, it’s as if no time has passed whatsoever. I’m very grateful for that.

I also met a guy and had a brief fling. I’m fine with that. In fact, it was the best sex I’ve had in years. His name was Matthew. We both knew damn well that we’d never see each other again after I went back to Boston, and we were both fine with that. We knew the parameters and we just wanted to have some fun. We did. He made me smile. A lot.

But when I was by myself, New York was a challenge. Crowds are one of my biggest anxieties–and New York has lots of crowds. I used to love places like Times Square. Now, I can’t stand them. Not only are there people everywhere, but 9 out of 10 of them stop to take photos. Every damn thing is a photo op, which means that people on all sides of me stop whatever they’re doing. That means that they bump into me, or I bump into them. With every bump, my anxiety level rises.

It wasn’t always this bad for me, and thinking about that really got me down. My social anxiety disorder means that I’m not the same person I used to be, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be that person again. Steve noticed this. We had talked about the possibility of me moving to New York. On my last night there, Steve said to me “I’d love it if you moved here. But just judging from how you were this weekend, I don’t think you’d be very happy here.”

He’s probably right, and I hate to admit that. Since I left New York, all I’ve wanted to do was to binge watch the new season of “Orange Is The New Black”–by myself. For a while, I did that. I didn’t even stop to unpack my suitcase. But today, I did unpack my suitcase. I also went grocery shopping, went to group therapy, and made some efforts on my continuing quest to find a new apartment.

So, even though New York and my anxiety were not the greatest of mixes, the trip is history. I did it, and I made it. It’s all one step at a time.

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