I want this day to be OVER!

Today just plain SUCKED! That’s the only way I can put it.

It all started when I went to see the doctor who manages my meds. She suggested increasing the dosage of the depression med she put me on. I thought I was doing better. According to her, I’m not. She said I seemed “shaky” and she was concerned.

I know my meds are supposed to help me. It’s just that I wasn’t expecting this at all. I got frustrated and scared. I even started wondering who I am right now. Where’s the me that was accepted to Harvard a few years ago? Where’s the me that graduated from Harvard last year? I want THAT me back!

I’ve heard it over and over again: I’m not my meds and I’m not my illness. Right now, it’s hard for me to see that.

This was just the start of my crappy afternoon. When I texted a friend about my frustration, he responded with “Well, I guess your doctor knows best. God knows I’m not a mental illness expert. LOL.”

I did NOT need that LOL. Just seeing it made me so angry. If I had cancer, and I said my chemo needed to be increased, would there have been an LOL anywhere in his response? I doubt it. I texted my friend back. I said “I’m not laughing. I’m really down and frustrated as hell.”

My friend apologized immediately. I accepted. And since then, he’s sent me several other texts telling me how wonderful I am. I know he’s sincere. But boy, I wish I lived in a world where I wouldn’t have to point things like this out so much.

With all this, I couldn’t wait to get to my support group. Even there, the unexpected hit me. I found out that one of the group members was  hospitalized after she became dangerous to herself. She’s better now, and she’ll be out of the hospital on Friday. But damn! To me, this woman is one of the bright lights of our group. She also goes to Harvard, so we talk about that a lot. That’s when we’re not talking about Jung and Kant and Shakespeare. It sounds cliché, but you’d never know she has a mental illness unless she told you. At the risk of sounding selfish, I was really looking forward to seeing her tonight. I am very thankful that she will be okay. But that news was just another reminder of how cunning mental illness is. After the day I had, I really did not want to be reminded about that.

But thank goodness, the day’s almost over. As soon as I finish this post, I’m going to watch an episode of Roseanne and then go to bed. And I’m going to try not to think too much. I’ve had enough of that for the day.


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