Something I’m not proud of

Last night, I did something I never did before.

I cut myself. Deliberately. It was not a major cut. I only drew a little blood. But my heart is racing just as I’m telling you this. That tells me that I need to be honest about it.

I’m not going to say how I did it. I try to think about who may be reading this blog, and what might be triggering. I do not want to trigger anyone. But I’ll say this. I faced a lot of triggers of my own yesterday. And at the end of the day, I looked at myself in the mirror, didn’t like what I saw, and then…I did it.

Honestly, I was surprised at how GOOD it felt. Yes. Good. In fact, to be completely honest, it felt euphoric. It was as if I saw some of my own pain being released. I can only describe it as an out-of-body experience. For a brief moment, I wasn’t myself.

And then…something pulled me back. Reality, I guess. All I know is, I went from being euphoric to being ashamed of myself, pretty damn quick. I talked to my therapist about it this morning. Needless to say, he wasn’t thrilled. But he did tell me that there are a lot of reasons why people cut themselves, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to end their lives. A lot of it, he said, has to do with that feeling of euphoria that I felt. Of wanting a release. Or of just wanting to do anything to feel good.

But he sure doesn’t want me to make this a habit, and I don’t want it to become one, either. There are better ways to feel good, like more exercise and support groups. I incorporate both of those, but I have to try to do them even more.

This is where you come in. If you are so inclined, please share your coping skills for turning bad habits into good habits. I really do want to hear your suggestions. Thank you in advance.



6 responses to “Something I’m not proud of

  • R

    I don’t know if it will help but in the UK a few years ago there was an advert for social workers in cartoon form, explaining what they did, and one thing it mentioned was showing someone who cut themselves how to squeeze ice cubes instead, as a similar form of release but without damaging themselves.

    But I think the biggest thing you can do is what you’re doing. Facing up to it, talking about it. Well done. And good luck


  • kimberlyadams800

    Don’t let it become a habit. I have been a cutter for three years. I want to stop but it is so difficult. I have managed to go several months without cutting only to relapse. Cutting only gives temporary relief. The addiction is not worth it.


  • Steve

    Wow, Alan — glad that you only did it once and that you talked to your therapist about it. You know, I hear a lot about cutting in my job, but have never heard anyone describe it in a way that I got the appeal of it — somehow you really got it. And it’s very scary.

    Spending time with people who really love and appreciate me and let me know that is very helpful for me — it really boosts my sense of self-worth, and that’s a big boost.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Alan Kravitz

    Thanks for that, Steve. Yes, I was surprised by the appeal of it. But I have not done it since I posted this.


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