Last night, I did something I never did before.
I cut myself. Deliberately. It was not a major cut. I only drew a little blood. But my heart is racing just as I’m telling you this. That tells me that I need to be honest about it.
I’m not going to say how I did it. I try to think about who may be reading this blog, and what might be triggering. I do not want to trigger anyone. But I’ll say this. I faced a lot of triggers of my own yesterday. And at the end of the day, I looked at myself in the mirror, didn’t like what I saw, and then…I did it.
Honestly, I was surprised at how GOOD it felt. Yes. Good. In fact, to be completely honest, it felt euphoric. It was as if I saw some of my own pain being released. I can only describe it as an out-of-body experience. For a brief moment, I wasn’t myself.
And then…something pulled me back. Reality, I guess. All I know is, I went from being euphoric to being ashamed of myself, pretty damn quick. I talked to my therapist about it this morning. Needless to say, he wasn’t thrilled. But he did tell me that there are a lot of reasons why people cut themselves, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to end their lives. A lot of it, he said, has to do with that feeling of euphoria that I felt. Of wanting a release. Or of just wanting to do anything to feel good.
But he sure doesn’t want me to make this a habit, and I don’t want it to become one, either. There are better ways to feel good, like more exercise and support groups. I incorporate both of those, but I have to try to do them even more.
This is where you come in. If you are so inclined, please share your coping skills for turning bad habits into good habits. I really do want to hear your suggestions. Thank you in advance.